Monday, May 29, 2017
Friendship

It has been really long since I lasted posted on this platform. This will always be a more private and personal blog of mine, unlike the hydefied.com.

Anyway since last year, I have more or less cut a lot of ties with most of my friends. More subtly actually, I just exited the chats, deleted their number and unnfriend from Facebook. I believe if they still think we can be friends, they can message me, BUT it does not happen. I got upset because they always have time for other people, but never have time for me.

I don't think I am a bad friend. I always try to be understanding because I know most of my friends are married with kids. I would accommodate and try to meet at their convenience. I never complain or find it troublesome if they have to bring their kids along. I will always try to help out, be it push the pram, or help the mummy carry their stuff.

I am angry I was never a priority. I am disappointed to see them saying they are busy or even no reply but the next thing I see them posting their meet up on social media. It fucking hurts but that's life, never have any expectation of people who would never treat you like how you'd treat them.

I am sorry I decided to end the friendship with such cowardliness. I cannot stand being damn fucking upset during May 2016, but you don't even give a fucking damn about it. Why do I need to feel all sad when you're getting on with your life.

I am sorry I bothered you with my friendship.

So goodbye,

throwing/ selling off most things I got from them for birthday/christmas because looking at them makes me sad.

so Goodbye forever.


hydefied - @ 08:56


Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Defeated

I decided to do a little ranting here

I always think I am somewhat a good friend. I always listen to people ranting to me because I believe that they rant to me is that they trust me. But why isn't it the same the other way round

When it is my turn to rant, I am told that I am irritating, they are sick and tired of hearing the same thing.

When you rant to me about your stuff, have I ever say the same thing back?? NO. I listen, because i know letting it out is better than keeping it in

i dunno who to trust sometimes. i share secrets with my cousin, she tells me mom, my friends think i am irritating for ranting. sometimes i just wanna ignore everyone

i am sorry i decided to share my sadness with you. i guess not everyone treats you the way you treat them. shouldnt be too devoted over it but i feel very defeated.

i will keep my mouth shut.

i have decided i am not going to have any birthday meetup


hydefied - @ 08:36


Wednesday, June 03, 2015
Hey June

It's my birthday month! :)

I wish that I will be a much better person. One year older, one year wiser, right?


hydefied - @ 08:02


Thursday, May 28, 2015
My problem

I am emotional
I have a lot of insecurities
I am immature
I am skeptical
I have trust issue

I think I am confident, I look confident but I am not confident at all. I am conscious about the way I look. I don't think I am good enough for anyone. I am fearful I will become a needy person. I am scared of scaring people off with my overthinking and my insecurities. I am afraid of myself, mostly.

I am not the type of person who is very daring or open about my sexuality. I have met many men out there who are playing with my feelings. I fall in love too easily and I end up getting hurt and cry about it. I don't trust anything they tell me, I have to second guess their motives and intentions. Yes I have trust issues. I am very sensitive and I am very very emotional.

I am afraid of getting hurt.
I am afraid of being weak.
I am afraid of crying

Typing this make me wanna cry and self pity. But I know I am stronger than that. I know now I am not ready for any relationship. Maybe I get into a relationship for the sake of going into it? I don't think I am mature enough to handle a relationship. I know I'm 27 but still, I need to grow up in my thinking.

Hwaiting me!

Be Strong and Be Happy! :)


hydefied - @ 14:24


Monday, May 18, 2015
Things to do this week

I think the list of things I am supposed to do this week

1. do up bestie's birthday card and gift
2. packing room because it's quite a mess at certain spots
3. Do up a blogpost for hydefied.com
4. arrange the items for carousell sale

excited for June to come because it means birthday is coming. :)


hydefied - @ 13:10


Thursday, May 14, 2015
The feeling of getting ignored

Maybe I'm just sensitive.

Someone decided to be an ass and proceed to delete off my guy friends' contact. Talk about being insecure, you decided to be rude, malicious and a major turn-off.

Anyway back to the main part, sometimes I rather you tell me you don't wanna talk to me than leave me hanging :(

I don't wanna cry, please dry my eyes 😢 thanks for giving me so much hope then left me with a broken heart. Maybe I was too serious, too sensitive and too stupid.

Anyway I don't even have your contact and there is no reply and I'd just give up. I guess for now it hurts because the wound is still fresh. Probably id get use to it soon so no more tears!

I am a strong independent woman. I don't need to have a man to be a better person. I am a better and stronger person because I choose to be this way. I choose to concentrate and have a good career. I'm blessed with the best, I have a good family, besties, and cousin and nice bosses!

At the end of the day, I'd look back at these posts and have a good laugh.

I will be emotionally stronger!

I will love myself more!

I will be a happier person!

Be strong my heart! Never put my hopes on others but myself for I'm the only one who can give myself happiness :)

I love me! :)



hydefied - @ 00:37


Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Selfish

Disappointed because you turned out this way.

Angry because you said you'd never be like them

Upset because you choose to be like this.

Please stop making me miserable with your selfish, possessive nature. I really need my personal space. Why are you there messaging other girls and you can tell me I can't be talking to other guys. Double standard >:(

Sigh. I don't understand why I can tolerate this!

Love should be selfless
Love should have trust
Love should have no conditions
Love should be happy
Love should be magical

Love should not be possessiveness
Love should not be pain
Love should not have fear

Be strong me!


hydefied - @ 08:23


Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Someone you love

I don't know if my decision to be with you is right. You told me you don't like me messaging other guys so I said ok, I'd tell them I won't message them anymore. But is that enough? I feel insecure being with you but then I want to be with you.

Why is it so complicated sometimes? I hide away because I don't wanna face it but in reality I just wanna be me.

I don't like to smile and say everything is alright when clearly it isn't. You say you wanna give it a try but I feel insecure now. Only a few weeks into this and I already feel like part of me is dying away.

Why? 

Sometimes I wonder if my quest for love is in the wrong direction :/ maybe love shouldn't make you feel insecure, love shouldn't make you feel like crying every other day. I remember a certain lyric to a song - I don't wanna fall in love, your love felt just like a knife. You make the knife feel good.

When I was young, love seem like a beautiful thing. 

Can it be less hurting? I hope my decision is right


hydefied - @ 07:26


Wednesday, May 06, 2015
The thing about me

A lot of times I tell myself not to put myself through things, especially when love is concern. I thought I will be stronger but I realised I am very weak. Love is my kryptonite..sigh. I told myself I am not going to fall in love but end up I just dig the hole deeper and deeper.

I know there is a mutual feeling. I know I am not supposed to reciprocate the feeling. You made me have butterflies in my stomach, you make me have a tinge of happiness when I see your message popping up. And then the silence. No reply nothing. Sigh, I guess I shouldn't be this way. I think my problem? I fall in love too easily or maybe I long for someone to care for me, more than just a friend but I guess #foreveralone

Anyway I am just very tired of waiting. I rather you tell me honestly you don't want to talk to me than leave me hanging. It is probably just me and my fucked up brain. You're probably just busy so I'm over-thinking and this makes me wanna cry.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish my heart was less vulnerable to sweet talks and shit

I wish you didn't tell me nice things.

I wish we hadn't talked

I wish we could be together

I wish......

I just want to be stronger.


hydefied - @ 08:28


Monday, May 04, 2015
Type of Guy I like

Although sometimes I go gushing over a handsome or muscular man (ahem~Chris Evans) but at the end of the day, looks doesn't really matter. It does to some aspects but he gotta be 耐看. As we know, beauty fades, even the most handsome or prettiest will soon be meh.

I like the nerdy/geeky boys but the problem with them? They tend to be shy and reserved. I remember my cousin ever telling me that I seem to want to create best of both world (which only exists in novels/movies). 

He needs to make me laugh and hold me when I feel sad/hurt. Comforts me when I feel down and motivates me when I feel dejected. He needs to know how to make his move. He can shower me with light kisses, back hugs and words of encouragement. And he must be brave to protect me from harm. He gotta be patient to endure my nonsense.

He needs to be a good and filial son, a reliable friend. He has to be hardworking and works hard for our future together. He needs to be there to build our love nest and not stray towards pretty things.

I guess at the the end of the day, he just gotta have a good heart and character.


hydefied - @ 10:57


Wednesday, April 29, 2015
The truth about Sex

I think this is gonna be a very personal, raw (no pun intended) post I will ever post. Besides r/s with A (but that's a whole nother story for another time).

I know like 3 to 4 post ago, I was writing about how I am not in sex and stuff. Truth be told, do I want it? Yes of course! However it is definitely not when some dude I just met online and only speaking for 5 minutes. I think it's very rude to be asking someone for it, someone you barely even know. If you are that desperate, please go pay for sex but then some men can be that cheap.

I guess I grow up in a traditional family. My parents always say that a girl should love herself . I was only exposed to it through sex ed which was filled with omg and ewwww. I know I read romance novel which is actually very unhealthy for the mind.

Romance novel to women is like porn to men. It promotes unrealistic expectation when it comes to love and sex. I am very well aware of this because I end up being very idealistic in love. I expect things to happen a certain way. I always think a guy should be the one to make the first move and most time, even if I have a crush on someone...I would just keep quiet about it. Years later, I will see them with their SO on Facebook and I would feel crushed.

Ok, back to the topic. I am very much intrigued by it but I am also very afraid about it. I am very afraid of the first time and how it may hurt a lot. I think it is also something sacred to be shared only with your soulmate or someone you know you're gonna spend the rest of your life with. I know it's quite impossible, probably that's why I choose to remain a V til now. Shocking but true. I think if you give your body away freely, guys are not gonna respect you or even love you. You need to love and respect yourself so that others can love and respect you too.

Anyway I don't know if eventually I am gonna really find someone or get married. However, as strange as it sounds, I just wanna at least try it once. Or at least with someone I actually love.



hydefied - @ 08:17


Monday, April 27, 2015
Falling in Love

I think I am idealistic when it comes to love, matter of fact, VERY idealistic. I blame romance novels for brainwashing me so badly. If I had known that it is bad for me. I'd probably had run far far far away from it.

I think I am insecure with the way I look. I never think I was the prettiest or the most popular. I don't think guys will notice me.  I loved how things are so sweet and nice in romance books/movie. I always think guys should be the one to make the first move, he will try to hold your hand during your first date, and it will end with a magical goodnight kiss. *magical~~*

I think the problem I have? I fall in love too easily, and when this happened, I tend to not think rationally and I get upset and cry over it. So far, I only really really liked 2 person. - 1 was A and the other was DT. Maybe I like nerdy, gentlemanly and the way they make me laugh. I cried over them for days and I really don't know why I put myself through this.

I hate how my brain liked to over-think on simple things and fucked me up all the way. I remember meeting someone and going on our 1st date (before I even met A), I was so disappointed that it wasn't all fairytale like and I realised this is life. I am a dreamer but this is not the right world.

No, I am not emo/ sad or whatever. Just thinking I need to grow up. It's always good to have fantasy and run away from everyday life. However, I cannot let it affect me to the point I fall sick or even felt so much pain. I am blessed with good family, cousin, besties and I promised them I will never fall back into the times when I felt like dying inside.

So I am letting you go. Til now, I always still say I liked you but I am quite sure it is all one sided. Maybe someday you'd like me back too but for now, I need to let go. I think by liking you, I throw myself back into the black hole. Forever having to question your motives for being nice to me. Been there, done that and had a scar to prove it. :S

Sometimes I scare myself with too much what ifs. I put myself through so much agony and unhappiness because of this. As much as I really liked you so so much, I need to know that fantasy isn't reality and be fully honest and harsh with myself. I know why they say you'd die a broken heart. When I cried over you, I really felt the pain.

I guess this shall be my last post on you.

I love you but I gotta love myself more.

May there be a rain after the rainbow :)

Hwaiting!!


hydefied - @ 08:30


Wednesday, March 04, 2015
Updates

Been lacking updates due to change in work and various personal life problems

I can just say that I am hanging in there and hoping for things to get well...

After what seem to be like 6 months (est), I finally talked to him again, over a device. Not exactly sure how I feel but I think part of me has not let go a lot of things. I shall not dwell on this, because I made a promise to get over it and there really are things that I shouldn't waste my life and time on.

Anyway I was all alone in office yesterday. Kinda got uncomfortable and decided  to just give up and go home. Being the last person to leave office sucks simply because you need to switch off all the damn lights. So I kinda had to strategize and open the door first, then switched off the lights. Rather than switched it off and fumble for the door in total darkness, NO THANK YOU!

The corridor seemed unnaturally dark and I was trying to move faster. Went past our meeting room and at the corner of my eye I seem to see a silhouette of a woman with long hair sitting on the chair, it was like a person's profile. I jumped and turn my head to get a second glimpse. Not sure why I did that, then hastily walked to the lift. Damn lift were all situated at level 1, so while I was waiting for it the longest time to come up to level 4, I was comtemplating if I should take the stairs instead. However, I remembered that the stairs had mirrors. FML, I just waited for the lift and distracted myself with my phone and try not to look around. -.-

PS. Thankfully everything is ok. I only remembered chills running down my spine and I felt so helpless and uneasy. Note to self: if the last person leaves, it's time to leave too.


hydefied - @ 18:50


Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Dating your Best Friend

I remember reading about marrying your best friend. However, before you can marry your best friend, you will need to date your best friend first.

They say you should date/marry your best friend because you will know them well enough. You know each others' pet peeves, likes, dislikes, good and bad qualities. You spend a lot of time together and share a lot of joys, happiness, sadness, success and failures together.

They will be able to accept you for who you are because if they can't, they probably can't be called your best friend then.

As time goes by, love will slowly fate and it will be commitment and friendship to keep this relationship going.

Gonna have a "Date with my Best Friend" on Sat (which coincidentally is Valentine's Day). To be honest, I can't exactly tell if I am nervous or excited. I guess we probably friendzoned each other to no end which is no good.

Wish me luck, I guess. 

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hydefied - @ 16:18


Tuesday, January 27, 2015
I am just not into sex

I  AM IRRITATED, FRUSTRATED, PISSED OFF AND ANGRY!!!!

Do you really think I am going to give it to you on our first meet up? Are you fucking kidding me?!

I think in a relationship the following factors are important

a. Communication
b. Trust
c. Getting to know each other
d. Affection
e. sex

yes, ultimately sex is a factor but it is not the most important factor here. I really don't get this logic that oh even if you're compatible but if there is no awesome sex, then end up the other half will cheat. I mean are you serious????

is that the main reason why some partners cheat? Because their other half don't give them good sex? Isn't it because of communication breakdown? No trust?


Sigh. 


Men can be that shallow!!!!! :(

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hydefied - @ 10:03