Monday, September 30, 2013
Being a follower
Sometimes I feel I tend to get influenced easily.
I need to be my own leader and not just a follower. I need to not be influenced by people. Like if people wanna lose weight, be whatever. Let them be.
Need to be happy with who I am. Like I'm so envious of queen latifah, rebel wilson. So comfortable in their skin, so confident and girl power.
I think I'm like over the infatuation. I wanna be alone, I kinda try to break myself from the group, be myself, find myself and be happier.
I enjoy my freedom, not tied down by the responsiblity of a wife, a mother. I appreciate being able to go out anywhere, be with anyone and do whatever I want. I may get judged but at least I don't need to account my actions to anyone.
I will probably reopened my Facebook one day, or just saved all the photo and delete the entire account. After all, Facebook is just a false life most people are showing off, venting frustration and plain comparison.
This morning someone asked me, if the person I liked asked me to go out together (as in dating), I'd prolly say no, we need to be friends first. I don't mind being single. Sometimes it's better than getting married to someone who controls you and cuts you off from your social life.
Sad but true. I hope maybe in years to come, I would be an emotionally stronger person. Independent woman part 2 perhaps? Or #foreveralone? Haha!
Chin up and not let a man get me down. I overthink a lot of things and my expectation of love is like 101 storey in a building. Unrealistic but fantasy is what keeps people going sometimes.
Something's are easier said than done, but at least live for the moment and not harp onto things to make me look like a despo.
Thank goodness for bestie, susu and Eugene sometimes. Forever my safety pillar and blanket I can hide to cover my awkwardness. :) at least I wouldn't feel so defenseless with them around.
I think late night blogging is a good thing.
At least I can rant out my feelings, and it's a calming sensation. I need to sleep soon and it's 1.20am.
I will be more hardworking in blogging.
Be strong me!
hydefied - @ 01:21
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I'm grateful I have an awesome bunch of bff who are always there for me. Because of them I'm able to stay strong. Although sometimes I will still be emo, then at least I'm able to crawl back up.
My safety blanket and my shelter to fall back to, my pillar of strength! Thank you bestie, Eugene, GC, Peiru, susu, Wahidah, Janna, Loo Loo, Callie and KMS for always being there for me. My always reliable and awesome groups of bff!
hydefied - @ 22:40
Thursday, September 05, 2013
Fantasy part 2?
I woke up the next day and saw you sound asleep. Your soft breathing and calmness made me smile. You are the only reason why i stayed strong.
I turned to creep up quietly off the bed and I felt your hands tightly around my waist.
No, no you are not going anywhere for now
It's my turn to laugh at your silliness and brush your hands off.
I need to work, mind you
But you are not someone who takes no for an answer and the grip got tighter. I felt weak at this. I felt light kisses down my neck and I gasp and dunno how to react.
But reality sets in and I really need to go work and laughed off that I'm leaving and not fall to your spell.
Fine, we'd continue this tonight! You pout your lips and I swear I was almost felt weak.
And I head out to work and anticipating coming home tonight :)
hydefied - @ 01:44
I don't know why I feel emo at 1.30 in the morning. I told myself I am better but sometimes who am I cheating. I'm only 80% better and 20% is creeping up on me.
Woke up and I feel like shit! I don't feel we'll, being emo always bring my immune system down.
I will be stronger, I promised! No more awkwardness and act normally. Hope
I wake up well tomorrow, not all sick and going to die
Shoots! I'm back to blogging because of you.
My friends tell me, I need to jiayou and maybe who knows if it's fated, we'd be together. Lets see if 3 months or 6 months down the road what is the outcome.
hydefied - @ 01:34
Tuesday, September 03, 2013
I think the title should be in countless of my post. Being happy, but the emo streak would creep out sometimes.
I love you, almost 9 years ago. You were everything I wanted. Attentive, loving, understanding, sweet and mature.
Then 2 years later, I'm crying inside. I love you yet I hate you. Every single thing you do throw me down the depths of agony.
Maybe one year older, one year wiser. I feel stronger. I'm irrational when it comes to love. I have unrealistic expectation of love, you need to be certain way. Our first date has to be something special. First kiss needs to be magical. Sadly, reality sets in and this doesn't happen
Love makes me impulsive. I want to throw caution to the wind, do everything we could. Ignoring the reality and just go into our little wonderland.
I would be strong, I will be and I want to be. Take things slow, if it will happen, it will.
Smile, no one can make you happy but yourself. Surround yourself with positivity, love and fun. Be around positive people and love freely and love boldly. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and at best margaritas :)
hydefied - @ 21:46
Monday, September 02, 2013
When you fear it's not a mutual feeling
I don't even know how it started. Maybe it's your quirky humor, or maybe just your mannerism? Or it could even be because we had time to hang out.
I keep telling myself it's not a crush, I won't like you. After Adam, I think it's hard to see love to be a nice feeling. He took me on a roller coaster ride and I thought it was love but what happen to us?
And then they started to say they wanna pair up people and it felt awkward. And the topic of my sis came up and I was like yeah, why not?
It prolly started with having a 好感 and I thought maybe its just a passing feeling and it would not go beyond that. And I started gushing alot to my 4 groups of friends and at one point I'm like, omg do I like him?
Then comes the Saturday event. Why must you be so nice, why do you keep taking my shopping bag. On one hand I wanna know if he is just being nice but on the other, i dont wanna know because I don't wanna be crushed. And twice wanting to help me to get my figure signed because I was upset that they management screwed up.
And my sat night was gushing to my friends of why he is so nice and it's not healthy for my heart.
I want things to progress but I'm afraid of rejection. Then I want it to be status quo so it would reduce all the awkwardness!
Whatsapp to bestie and cousin. Felt tears in my eyes while messaging them and feel damn emo. It's mixed feeling.
This is not otome. Guys don't fall in love with your awkwardness. They don't find you being clumsy or weird cute.
And I'm prolly thinking too much and it's a one sided feeling. Why would he like me? I don't think I'm that nice to like or pretty to like too. Sigh.
Here I am wishing things to go well but on the other hand telling myself that the feelings probably ain't mutual
I wanna cry so badly now! :(
hydefied - @ 19:08