Wednesday, April 29, 2015
The truth about Sex

I think this is gonna be a very personal, raw (no pun intended) post I will ever post. Besides r/s with A (but that's a whole nother story for another time).

I know like 3 to 4 post ago, I was writing about how I am not in sex and stuff. Truth be told, do I want it? Yes of course! However it is definitely not when some dude I just met online and only speaking for 5 minutes. I think it's very rude to be asking someone for it, someone you barely even know. If you are that desperate, please go pay for sex but then some men can be that cheap.

I guess I grow up in a traditional family. My parents always say that a girl should love herself . I was only exposed to it through sex ed which was filled with omg and ewwww. I know I read romance novel which is actually very unhealthy for the mind.

Romance novel to women is like porn to men. It promotes unrealistic expectation when it comes to love and sex. I am very well aware of this because I end up being very idealistic in love. I expect things to happen a certain way. I always think a guy should be the one to make the first move and most time, even if I have a crush on someone...I would just keep quiet about it. Years later, I will see them with their SO on Facebook and I would feel crushed.

Ok, back to the topic. I am very much intrigued by it but I am also very afraid about it. I am very afraid of the first time and how it may hurt a lot. I think it is also something sacred to be shared only with your soulmate or someone you know you're gonna spend the rest of your life with. I know it's quite impossible, probably that's why I choose to remain a V til now. Shocking but true. I think if you give your body away freely, guys are not gonna respect you or even love you. You need to love and respect yourself so that others can love and respect you too.

Anyway I don't know if eventually I am gonna really find someone or get married. However, as strange as it sounds, I just wanna at least try it once. Or at least with someone I actually love.

hydefied - @ 08:17

Monday, April 27, 2015
Falling in Love

I think I am idealistic when it comes to love, matter of fact, VERY idealistic. I blame romance novels for brainwashing me so badly. If I had known that it is bad for me. I'd probably had run far far far away from it.

I think I am insecure with the way I look. I never think I was the prettiest or the most popular. I don't think guys will notice me.  I loved how things are so sweet and nice in romance books/movie. I always think guys should be the one to make the first move, he will try to hold your hand during your first date, and it will end with a magical goodnight kiss. *magical~~*

I think the problem I have? I fall in love too easily, and when this happened, I tend to not think rationally and I get upset and cry over it. So far, I only really really liked 2 person. - 1 was A and the other was DT. Maybe I like nerdy, gentlemanly and the way they make me laugh. I cried over them for days and I really don't know why I put myself through this.

I hate how my brain liked to over-think on simple things and fucked me up all the way. I remember meeting someone and going on our 1st date (before I even met A), I was so disappointed that it wasn't all fairytale like and I realised this is life. I am a dreamer but this is not the right world.

No, I am not emo/ sad or whatever. Just thinking I need to grow up. It's always good to have fantasy and run away from everyday life. However, I cannot let it affect me to the point I fall sick or even felt so much pain. I am blessed with good family, cousin, besties and I promised them I will never fall back into the times when I felt like dying inside.

So I am letting you go. Til now, I always still say I liked you but I am quite sure it is all one sided. Maybe someday you'd like me back too but for now, I need to let go. I think by liking you, I throw myself back into the black hole. Forever having to question your motives for being nice to me. Been there, done that and had a scar to prove it. :S

Sometimes I scare myself with too much what ifs. I put myself through so much agony and unhappiness because of this. As much as I really liked you so so much, I need to know that fantasy isn't reality and be fully honest and harsh with myself. I know why they say you'd die a broken heart. When I cried over you, I really felt the pain.

I guess this shall be my last post on you.

I love you but I gotta love myself more.

May there be a rain after the rainbow :)


hydefied - @ 08:30