Thursday, October 24, 2013
Giving up

I think I am just going to give myself another chance and hopefully things do get better. I know bestie has my interest at heart and don’t wish to see me get hurt again but I think I just want another chance and see how things goes. I am not even going to give any expectations and hopes. I know maybe the likelihood of the outcome will still be the same but I need to give myself a reason to really let go.

I know probably a few months down the road; I may be faced with the same situation and feel very angry or upset why I even bother to give the final chance. However, I rather give then regret why I not gave that chance. It is complicated but I think it’s for the best. I will not allow myself to get affected by it and I will not complain if things don’t go my way. Because I choose this path and let’s see how things goes.

I am just going to give up on him. I will not go chase him and I will just leave everything status quo. I will not get all emo because of him and just be strong. If he isn’t going to do anything, so be it. I will just regard as me thinking too much. Just me assuming that the feelings are mutual. So I will just let it go. I don’t want to stop on the spot, I want to move on. I dislike the feeling that I am not advancing and being just down because of him. I really don’t want to drag this on and make myself cry every night because he is not worth it.

Be strong me.

hydefied - @ 13:51

Monday, October 21, 2013

I think personality-wise, we probably don't click. I mean I feel like I have to attempt to blend myself in so that I can be in the same wavelength. You are expected to blend in, and no one tries to be inclusive. Big group scares me sometimes, the introvert in me rather hear then talk about it.

I feel very unconnected. I feel like the odd one out. First the hotpot incident then the halloween incident. Everyday, my good friends has to hear me rant about why are they like that? Is it my problem that I am being unfriendly?

I had a disappointing Halloween night on Friday. So disappointing to the fact that I wanna go again and enjoy myself. If I all knew that they decided to be scared and not go in any of the haunted house, I wouldn't have organized this whole fiesco. Seriously! Like Eileen was totally containing herself, to give me face, and not make everything so awkward.

Best part, no one knows I am unhappy. Why? I choose not to flare up. Misunderstanding and unhappiness tend to build up when we choose not to confront others and keep it within. So I will just try to exclude myself from the group. I'm sorry, like I really think I think they are much better off as good friends without me. Acquaintance, probably, Friends, probably not to that extend.

Like end up, I have nothing to say in the group. I'm told that I don't join in the conversation, I am being random. No, it's not my emo-ness that make me random. It is my awkwardness that made me random. Attempt to be inclusive, not expect the person to include him/herself. Because sometimes it's hard to try to change yourself to accomodate to others. You have to be someone you are not, and it's hard to connect at a personal level if you are trying hard to fit in. That's how I feel.

I always think, is it my problem? I guess probably so, if I find it hard to fit in after my attempt. I would just reside into the background and avoid much contact. Like every meetup, I will go back feeling so upset, to the point that I fell sick because of it. I have to find excuses to avoid lunch/dinner/ weekend meets so I won't make myself get so upset.

Thankfully for Bestie, Eugene, GC, Eileen, Janna, Wahidah, Shirley, Eddy, Peiru, Cousin for just being there to hear me rant. If not I'd be having internal injuries for being upset and angry. I think I need time to sort out all this unhappiness and resentment that has build up inside. I will reconsider everything, even my feelings for him, and probably take a step back.

Maybe susu was right, she was telling me that 1 person can only has a few good/best friends because of the time we have everything. So I am blessed with good friends, yet I don't think I have time to build up another group of good friends. Maybe one of the reasons could be expectations, how friends should make small sacriface for each other which I am not feeling it.

Yea, so I get upset becomes a personal problem of my own. I tend to contain my true feelings inside and not flare up and people might comment that I am just being difficult. We probably haven't reach that level of friendship yet.

For now, everything is to be taken slowly and hopefully change for the better. I just need to calmly sort out my feelings and maybe think about what I want and not have to much expectation on things I cannot control.

Let's give this a 3 months trial and maybe when I check back in January, there could be improvements. We'll see how things goes then.

hydefied - @ 08:21

Monday, October 14, 2013

What doesn't kills me make me stronger.

I know I will be ok

hydefied - @ 21:02

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Thought I should feel ok but i feel terrible. Strangely, you remember something which i casually told you, which surprises me. Why? Because I dont even remember it myself.

Everytime I ask myself, do you feel the same that I do? There were butterflies in my stomach yesterday, I was so nervous and scared of everything. I wish the feelings were mutual, I wish we could be more than friends.

Although being said that, I am afraid, afraid of the progress. I am scared of steppnig beyond the boundaries. I wish I was more courageous but I crumble at the sight of you.

I feel like crying typing this. :(

I wish I was stronger.

hydefied - @ 09:41