Thursday, May 28, 2015
My problem

I am emotional
I have a lot of insecurities
I am immature
I am skeptical
I have trust issue

I think I am confident, I look confident but I am not confident at all. I am conscious about the way I look. I don't think I am good enough for anyone. I am fearful I will become a needy person. I am scared of scaring people off with my overthinking and my insecurities. I am afraid of myself, mostly.

I am not the type of person who is very daring or open about my sexuality. I have met many men out there who are playing with my feelings. I fall in love too easily and I end up getting hurt and cry about it. I don't trust anything they tell me, I have to second guess their motives and intentions. Yes I have trust issues. I am very sensitive and I am very very emotional.

I am afraid of getting hurt.
I am afraid of being weak.
I am afraid of crying

Typing this make me wanna cry and self pity. But I know I am stronger than that. I know now I am not ready for any relationship. Maybe I get into a relationship for the sake of going into it? I don't think I am mature enough to handle a relationship. I know I'm 27 but still, I need to grow up in my thinking.

Hwaiting me!

Be Strong and Be Happy! :)


hydefied - @ 14:24


Monday, May 18, 2015
Things to do this week

I think the list of things I am supposed to do this week

1. do up bestie's birthday card and gift
2. packing room because it's quite a mess at certain spots
3. Do up a blogpost for hydefied.com
4. arrange the items for carousell sale

excited for June to come because it means birthday is coming. :)


hydefied - @ 13:10


Thursday, May 14, 2015
The feeling of getting ignored

Maybe I'm just sensitive.

Someone decided to be an ass and proceed to delete off my guy friends' contact. Talk about being insecure, you decided to be rude, malicious and a major turn-off.

Anyway back to the main part, sometimes I rather you tell me you don't wanna talk to me than leave me hanging :(

I don't wanna cry, please dry my eyes 😢 thanks for giving me so much hope then left me with a broken heart. Maybe I was too serious, too sensitive and too stupid.

Anyway I don't even have your contact and there is no reply and I'd just give up. I guess for now it hurts because the wound is still fresh. Probably id get use to it soon so no more tears!

I am a strong independent woman. I don't need to have a man to be a better person. I am a better and stronger person because I choose to be this way. I choose to concentrate and have a good career. I'm blessed with the best, I have a good family, besties, and cousin and nice bosses!

At the end of the day, I'd look back at these posts and have a good laugh.

I will be emotionally stronger!

I will love myself more!

I will be a happier person!

Be strong my heart! Never put my hopes on others but myself for I'm the only one who can give myself happiness :)

I love me! :)



hydefied - @ 00:37


Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Selfish

Disappointed because you turned out this way.

Angry because you said you'd never be like them

Upset because you choose to be like this.

Please stop making me miserable with your selfish, possessive nature. I really need my personal space. Why are you there messaging other girls and you can tell me I can't be talking to other guys. Double standard >:(

Sigh. I don't understand why I can tolerate this!

Love should be selfless
Love should have trust
Love should have no conditions
Love should be happy
Love should be magical

Love should not be possessiveness
Love should not be pain
Love should not have fear

Be strong me!


hydefied - @ 08:23


Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Someone you love

I don't know if my decision to be with you is right. You told me you don't like me messaging other guys so I said ok, I'd tell them I won't message them anymore. But is that enough? I feel insecure being with you but then I want to be with you.

Why is it so complicated sometimes? I hide away because I don't wanna face it but in reality I just wanna be me.

I don't like to smile and say everything is alright when clearly it isn't. You say you wanna give it a try but I feel insecure now. Only a few weeks into this and I already feel like part of me is dying away.

Why? 

Sometimes I wonder if my quest for love is in the wrong direction :/ maybe love shouldn't make you feel insecure, love shouldn't make you feel like crying every other day. I remember a certain lyric to a song - I don't wanna fall in love, your love felt just like a knife. You make the knife feel good.

When I was young, love seem like a beautiful thing. 

Can it be less hurting? I hope my decision is right


hydefied - @ 07:26


Wednesday, May 06, 2015
The thing about me

A lot of times I tell myself not to put myself through things, especially when love is concern. I thought I will be stronger but I realised I am very weak. Love is my kryptonite..sigh. I told myself I am not going to fall in love but end up I just dig the hole deeper and deeper.

I know there is a mutual feeling. I know I am not supposed to reciprocate the feeling. You made me have butterflies in my stomach, you make me have a tinge of happiness when I see your message popping up. And then the silence. No reply nothing. Sigh, I guess I shouldn't be this way. I think my problem? I fall in love too easily or maybe I long for someone to care for me, more than just a friend but I guess #foreveralone

Anyway I am just very tired of waiting. I rather you tell me honestly you don't want to talk to me than leave me hanging. It is probably just me and my fucked up brain. You're probably just busy so I'm over-thinking and this makes me wanna cry.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish my heart was less vulnerable to sweet talks and shit

I wish you didn't tell me nice things.

I wish we hadn't talked

I wish we could be together

I wish......

I just want to be stronger.


hydefied - @ 08:28


Monday, May 04, 2015
Type of Guy I like

Although sometimes I go gushing over a handsome or muscular man (ahem~Chris Evans) but at the end of the day, looks doesn't really matter. It does to some aspects but he gotta be 耐看. As we know, beauty fades, even the most handsome or prettiest will soon be meh.

I like the nerdy/geeky boys but the problem with them? They tend to be shy and reserved. I remember my cousin ever telling me that I seem to want to create best of both world (which only exists in novels/movies). 

He needs to make me laugh and hold me when I feel sad/hurt. Comforts me when I feel down and motivates me when I feel dejected. He needs to know how to make his move. He can shower me with light kisses, back hugs and words of encouragement. And he must be brave to protect me from harm. He gotta be patient to endure my nonsense.

He needs to be a good and filial son, a reliable friend. He has to be hardworking and works hard for our future together. He needs to be there to build our love nest and not stray towards pretty things.

I guess at the the end of the day, he just gotta have a good heart and character.


hydefied - @ 10:57