I thought I have gotten over you. Time and time again Eileen ask me if you're in the past and I always say, ya ya ya, he is in the past now.

But the HHN8 came and the feelings come back again. Why? Maybe all this while I thought I have gotten over you was a lie, it is just suppressed down. I really want to give up but that part of me do not want to let go.

typing this makes me want to cry a loads. I know some of my friends tell me I should not give up but there is something that is stopping me, and that is them. Your friendship with them...

I need to let you go, I cannot hold onto that little thing about you and make it worse for me.

I hope my feelings for you will start to go away and I don't want to be that sad emo person all over again....

我以为我放下了但仍然还是对你如此执着。我好怕好累。我已经不认识现在的自己了。对你的喜欢好苦好痛。




I was bored this past weekend and I ended up re-reading this blog all the way to my first post. I was really an emotional rack but there are also fun memories.

I went back to Facebook and re-friended most people because I am a grown-up. I cannot expect everyone to be how I want them to be. I need to accept that people will change and people will get on with their lives, just as how I have myself. Although I did see that I wanted to throw away the gifts but it is still sitting in my drawer.

I cant throw away the memories. They were still good memories and I just need to tell myself to move on.

Be happy and move on. I'd be happier on my own, I have my own good friends and I am still blessed with all that I have.

Thank you but this will be the last time I will post on you, or them.




Oh my god! I totally couldn't sleep last night and I decided I was going to listen to some audiobook to make myself go to sleep. Bad decision, I chose a romance audiobook and it turned out to be like a R21 erotic novel that kept me up all night because I didn't wanna miss out on any parts of the book.

Sorry but the sex scenes in the book was extremely detailed that it made me uncomfortable as I was imagining it. Ok. I completed the whole book and I am like oh my non existence romance~ sigh




It has been really long since I lasted posted on this platform. This will always be a more private and personal blog of mine, unlike the hydefied.com.

Anyway since last year, I have more or less cut a lot of ties with most of my friends. More subtly actually, I just exited the chats, deleted their number and unnfriend from Facebook. I believe if they still think we can be friends, they can message me, BUT it does not happen. I got upset because they always have time for other people, but never have time for me.

I don't think I am a bad friend. I always try to be understanding because I know most of my friends are married with kids. I would accommodate and try to meet at their convenience. I never complain or find it troublesome if they have to bring their kids along. I will always try to help out, be it push the pram, or help the mummy carry their stuff.

I am angry I was never a priority. I am disappointed to see them saying they are busy or even no reply but the next thing I see them posting their meet up on social media. It fucking hurts but that's life, never have any expectation of people who would never treat you like how you'd treat them.

I am sorry I decided to end the friendship with such cowardliness. I cannot stand being damn fucking upset during May 2016, but you don't even give a fucking damn about it. Why do I need to feel all sad when you're getting on with your life.

I am sorry I bothered you with my friendship.

So goodbye,

throwing/ selling off most things I got from them for birthday/christmas because looking at them makes me sad.

so Goodbye forever.




I decided to do a little ranting here

I always think I am somewhat a good friend. I always listen to people ranting to me because I believe that they rant to me is that they trust me. But why isn't it the same the other way round

When it is my turn to rant, I am told that I am irritating, they are sick and tired of hearing the same thing.

When you rant to me about your stuff, have I ever say the same thing back?? NO. I listen, because i know letting it out is better than keeping it in

i dunno who to trust sometimes. i share secrets with my cousin, she tells me mom, my friends think i am irritating for ranting. sometimes i just wanna ignore everyone

i am sorry i decided to share my sadness with you. i guess not everyone treats you the way you treat them. shouldnt be too devoted over it but i feel very defeated.

i will keep my mouth shut.

i have decided i am not going to have any birthday meetup




It's my birthday month! :)

I wish that I will be a much better person. One year older, one year wiser, right?




I am emotional
I have a lot of insecurities
I am immature
I am skeptical
I have trust issue

I think I am confident, I look confident but I am not confident at all. I am conscious about the way I look. I don't think I am good enough for anyone. I am fearful I will become a needy person. I am scared of scaring people off with my overthinking and my insecurities. I am afraid of myself, mostly.

I am not the type of person who is very daring or open about my sexuality. I have met many men out there who are playing with my feelings. I fall in love too easily and I end up getting hurt and cry about it. I don't trust anything they tell me, I have to second guess their motives and intentions. Yes I have trust issues. I am very sensitive and I am very very emotional.

I am afraid of getting hurt.
I am afraid of being weak.
I am afraid of crying

Typing this make me wanna cry and self pity. But I know I am stronger than that. I know now I am not ready for any relationship. Maybe I get into a relationship for the sake of going into it? I don't think I am mature enough to handle a relationship. I know I'm 27 but still, I need to grow up in my thinking.

Hwaiting me!

Be Strong and Be Happy! :)




I think the list of things I am supposed to do this week

1. do up bestie's birthday card and gift
2. packing room because it's quite a mess at certain spots
3. Do up a blogpost for hydefied.com
4. arrange the items for carousell sale

excited for June to come because it means birthday is coming. :)




Maybe I'm just sensitive.




Disappointed because you turned out this way.

Angry because you said you'd never be like them

Upset because you choose to be like this.

Please stop making me miserable with your selfish, possessive nature. I really need my personal space. Why are you there messaging other girls and you can tell me I can't be talking to other guys. Double standard >:(

Sigh. I don't understand why I can tolerate this!

Love should be selfless
Love should have trust
Love should have no conditions
Love should be happy
Love should be magical

Love should not be possessiveness
Love should not be pain
Love should not have fear

Be strong me!




I don't know if my decision to be with you is right. You told me you don't like me messaging other guys so I said ok, I'd tell them I won't message them anymore. But is that enough? I feel insecure being with you but then I want to be with you.




A lot of times I tell myself not to put myself through things, especially when love is concern. I thought I will be stronger but I realised I am very weak. Love is my kryptonite..sigh. I told myself I am not going to fall in love but end up I just dig the hole deeper and deeper.

I know there is a mutual feeling. I know I am not supposed to reciprocate the feeling. You made me have butterflies in my stomach, you make me have a tinge of happiness when I see your message popping up. And then the silence. No reply nothing. Sigh, I guess I shouldn't be this way. I think my problem? I fall in love too easily or maybe I long for someone to care for me, more than just a friend but I guess #foreveralone

Anyway I am just very tired of waiting. I rather you tell me honestly you don't want to talk to me than leave me hanging. It is probably just me and my fucked up brain. You're probably just busy so I'm over-thinking and this makes me wanna cry.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish my heart was less vulnerable to sweet talks and shit

I wish you didn't tell me nice things.

I wish we hadn't talked

I wish we could be together

I wish......

I just want to be stronger.




Although sometimes I go gushing over a handsome or muscular man (ahem~Chris Evans) but at the end of the day, looks doesn't really matter. It does to some aspects but he gotta be 耐看. As we know, beauty fades, even the most handsome or prettiest will soon be meh.

I like the nerdy/geeky boys but the problem with them? They tend to be shy and reserved. I remember my cousin ever telling me that I seem to want to create best of both world (which only exists in novels/movies). 

He needs to make me laugh and hold me when I feel sad/hurt. Comforts me when I feel down and motivates me when I feel dejected. He needs to know how to make his move. He can shower me with light kisses, back hugs and words of encouragement. And he must be brave to protect me from harm. He gotta be patient to endure my nonsense.

He needs to be a good and filial son, a reliable friend. He has to be hardworking and works hard for our future together. He needs to be there to build our love nest and not stray towards pretty things.

I guess at the the end of the day, he just gotta have a good heart and character.




I think this is gonna be a very personal, raw (no pun intended) post I will ever post. Besides r/s with A (but that's a whole nother story for another time).

I know like 3 to 4 post ago, I was writing about how I am not in sex and stuff. Truth be told, do I want it? Yes of course! However it is definitely not when some dude I just met online and only speaking for 5 minutes. I think it's very rude to be asking someone for it, someone you barely even know. If you are that desperate, please go pay for sex but then some men can be that cheap.

I guess I grow up in a traditional family. My parents always say that a girl should love herself . I was only exposed to it through sex ed which was filled with omg and ewwww. I know I read romance novel which is actually very unhealthy for the mind.

Romance novel to women is like porn to men. It promotes unrealistic expectation when it comes to love and sex. I am very well aware of this because I end up being very idealistic in love. I expect things to happen a certain way. I always think a guy should be the one to make the first move and most time, even if I have a crush on someone...I would just keep quiet about it. Years later, I will see them with their SO on Facebook and I would feel crushed.

Ok, back to the topic. I am very much intrigued by it but I am also very afraid about it. I am very afraid of the first time and how it may hurt a lot. I think it is also something sacred to be shared only with your soulmate or someone you know you're gonna spend the rest of your life with. I know it's quite impossible, probably that's why I choose to remain a V til now. Shocking but true. I think if you give your body away freely, guys are not gonna respect you or even love you. You need to love and respect yourself so that others can love and respect you too.

Anyway I don't know if eventually I am gonna really find someone or get married. However, as strange as it sounds, I just wanna at least try it once. Or at least with someone I actually love.






I think I am idealistic when it comes to love, matter of fact, VERY idealistic. I blame romance novels for brainwashing me so badly. If I had known that it is bad for me. I'd probably had run far far far away from it.

I think I am insecure with the way I look. I never think I was the prettiest or the most popular. I don't think guys will notice me.  I loved how things are so sweet and nice in romance books/movie. I always think guys should be the one to make the first move, he will try to hold your hand during your first date, and it will end with a magical goodnight kiss. *magical~~*

I think the problem I have? I fall in love too easily, and when this happened, I tend to not think rationally and I get upset and cry over it. So far, I only really really liked 2 person. - 1 was A and the other was DT. Maybe I like nerdy, gentlemanly and the way they make me laugh. I cried over them for days and I really don't know why I put myself through this.

I hate how my brain liked to over-think on simple things and fucked me up all the way. I remember meeting someone and going on our 1st date (before I even met A), I was so disappointed that it wasn't all fairytale like and I realised this is life. I am a dreamer but this is not the right world.

No, I am not emo/ sad or whatever. Just thinking I need to grow up. It's always good to have fantasy and run away from everyday life. However, I cannot let it affect me to the point I fall sick or even felt so much pain. I am blessed with good family, cousin, besties and I promised them I will never fall back into the times when I felt like dying inside.

So I am letting you go. Til now, I always still say I liked you but I am quite sure it is all one sided. Maybe someday you'd like me back too but for now, I need to let go. I think by liking you, I throw myself back into the black hole. Forever having to question your motives for being nice to me. Been there, done that and had a scar to prove it. :S

Sometimes I scare myself with too much what ifs. I put myself through so much agony and unhappiness because of this. As much as I really liked you so so much, I need to know that fantasy isn't reality and be fully honest and harsh with myself. I know why they say you'd die a broken heart. When I cried over you, I really felt the pain.

I guess this shall be my last post on you.

I love you but I gotta love myself more.

May there be a rain after the rainbow :)

Hwaiting!!