I think personality-wise, we probably don't click. I mean I feel like I have to attempt to blend myself in so that I can be in the same wavelength. You are expected to blend in, and no one tries to be inclusive. Big group scares me sometimes, the introvert in me rather hear then talk about it.

I feel very unconnected. I feel like the odd one out. First the hotpot incident then the halloween incident. Everyday, my good friends has to hear me rant about why are they like that? Is it my problem that I am being unfriendly?

I had a disappointing Halloween night on Friday. So disappointing to the fact that I wanna go again and enjoy myself. If I all knew that they decided to be scared and not go in any of the haunted house, I wouldn't have organized this whole fiesco. Seriously! Like Eileen was totally containing herself, to give me face, and not make everything so awkward.

Best part, no one knows I am unhappy. Why? I choose not to flare up. Misunderstanding and unhappiness tend to build up when we choose not to confront others and keep it within. So I will just try to exclude myself from the group. I'm sorry, like I really think I think they are much better off as good friends without me. Acquaintance, probably, Friends, probably not to that extend.

Like end up, I have nothing to say in the group. I'm told that I don't join in the conversation, I am being random. No, it's not my emo-ness that make me random. It is my awkwardness that made me random. Attempt to be inclusive, not expect the person to include him/herself. Because sometimes it's hard to try to change yourself to accomodate to others. You have to be someone you are not, and it's hard to connect at a personal level if you are trying hard to fit in. That's how I feel.

I always think, is it my problem? I guess probably so, if I find it hard to fit in after my attempt. I would just reside into the background and avoid much contact. Like every meetup, I will go back feeling so upset, to the point that I fell sick because of it. I have to find excuses to avoid lunch/dinner/ weekend meets so I won't make myself get so upset.

Thankfully for Bestie, Eugene, GC, Eileen, Janna, Wahidah, Shirley, Eddy, Peiru, Cousin for just being there to hear me rant. If not I'd be having internal injuries for being upset and angry. I think I need time to sort out all this unhappiness and resentment that has build up inside. I will reconsider everything, even my feelings for him, and probably take a step back.

Maybe susu was right, she was telling me that 1 person can only has a few good/best friends because of the time we have everything. So I am blessed with good friends, yet I don't think I have time to build up another group of good friends. Maybe one of the reasons could be expectations, how friends should make small sacriface for each other which I am not feeling it.

Yea, so I get upset becomes a personal problem of my own. I tend to contain my true feelings inside and not flare up and people might comment that I am just being difficult. We probably haven't reach that level of friendship yet.

For now, everything is to be taken slowly and hopefully change for the better. I just need to calmly sort out my feelings and maybe think about what I want and not have to much expectation on things I cannot control.

Let's give this a 3 months trial and maybe when I check back in January, there could be improvements. We'll see how things goes then.